What happens if you love only one person at one time?

freaking myself out with all the what-ifs in my head

there's been a lot of changes around here lately and i feel that i can't breathe. it's not what i'm used to for sure. i'm torn between responsibility and the feeling of wanting to break free. i guess all these has been suppressed for too long and now, it's all breaking loose.

i've been told that sometimes, i'm too nice, to the extent to being a pushover. but sometimes i just wanna be a total bitch. i wanna rant and rave and just throw a tantrum and insist on MY WAY but i don't cos i can't. it's making me sick at myself.

today i woke up, convinced that everything good that's been happening is going to be taken from me.

shuttling between faith and doubt

i think i'm generally a happy soul. i mean, i'm always in a good mood most days. but there are times where i see/hear something that affects me and i read too much into it, driving myself crazy just thinking about it. this is especially true when i step into a relationship. this sense of doubt never fails to arise in me, maybe because of things that i have been through. i have been lied to in the face, been cheated on without me knowing etc. sometimes, i feel that i'm better off alone.

updates

i haven't updated in months. been busy with work and a new relationship. he came along very unexpectedly. there has been ups and downs these few months. i really don't know whether he's THE ONE yet. there's still so much that we don't know about each other. i guess only time will tell.

meanwhile, i've been trying to better myself as a person, making small changes in my life. maybe the changes might not be visible now, but hey, i'm like a ship on the ocean. a one degree change in direction will change where i end up.

it's complicated?

i personally hate this so-called relationship status on facebook. i mean.. what is so complicated? it's either you're single or attached. anything in between, i don't like it. unless of course, someone is going thru a divorce or something.

Love, it's either you do, truly and completely without any reservations or you don't.

just a thought.

fed-up

i have decided. i'm not gonna make myself unhappy anymore. i'm gonna do whatever i want and i will leave if i have to.

met up with this guy i used to date before, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. he found me on facebook. that night i received his message on facebook, i was very surprised. cos that morning, i was just thinking about him. but of course, this must not be mentioned. :)

he was in redang for a diving trip when he messaged me. we met up after he was back. sher did ask whether there were sparks or not. it was just a normal dinner and movie, however i enjoyed his company very much. if you were to ask whether we were to date each other again, i am not expecting it. although i have had good memories about him.

girls at my age just do not go around and dream of love. i have been killed by love before and i don't think i wanna do it again. i think it's better to have a quiet and peaceful life.

selling icecream

sometimes i feel that i'll rather be a hermit and hide in a cave in the hills where no one can find me. this world is just getting too complicated.

i've been misunderstood too many times, even by my own agents. a lot of people think i'm a coldhearted and conniving bitch and that i sleep around and i don't even want to mention the worse things i have heard. most of the time, i hold my head up high and ignore what they say. but sometimes, i just can't take it and i retreat into my own little world to heal. they don't know that i'm just a girl who cries when i'm watching E.T.

in this life, i've had a big love and a big crush. my big love ended when i was 24, because of lies and my refusal to forgive. we used to have all these dreams, which were never fulfilled. now he is married to someone else, something which i could have stopped, but never did, because of my pride. the big crush lasted more than a decade. i really do not know whether he still has an effect on me now cos i've not seen him for such a long time. but seriously, this is better kept as a memory. memories are the most beautiful and ignorance is bliss. i have no idea how he is like as a person. better to keep it that way. i just don't wanna know.

i think i wanna sell icecream when i grow up. at least i know that when people buy icecream from me, they are happy.