shuttling between faith and doubt

i think i'm generally a happy soul. i mean, i'm always in a good mood most days. but there are times where i see/hear something that affects me and i read too much into it, driving myself crazy just thinking about it. this is especially true when i step into a relationship. this sense of doubt never fails to arise in me, maybe because of things that i have been through. i have been lied to in the face, been cheated on without me knowing etc. sometimes, i feel that i'm better off alone.

updates

i haven't updated in months. been busy with work and a new relationship. he came along very unexpectedly. there has been ups and downs these few months. i really don't know whether he's THE ONE yet. there's still so much that we don't know about each other. i guess only time will tell.

meanwhile, i've been trying to better myself as a person, making small changes in my life. maybe the changes might not be visible now, but hey, i'm like a ship on the ocean. a one degree change in direction will change where i end up.

it's complicated?

i personally hate this so-called relationship status on facebook. i mean.. what is so complicated? it's either you're single or attached. anything in between, i don't like it. unless of course, someone is going thru a divorce or something.

Love, it's either you do, truly and completely without any reservations or you don't.

just a thought.

fed-up

i have decided. i'm not gonna make myself unhappy anymore. i'm gonna do whatever i want and i will leave if i have to.

met up with this guy i used to date before, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. he found me on facebook. that night i received his message on facebook, i was very surprised. cos that morning, i was just thinking about him. but of course, this must not be mentioned. :)

he was in redang for a diving trip when he messaged me. we met up after he was back. sher did ask whether there were sparks or not. it was just a normal dinner and movie, however i enjoyed his company very much. if you were to ask whether we were to date each other again, i am not expecting it. although i have had good memories about him.

girls at my age just do not go around and dream of love. i have been killed by love before and i don't think i wanna do it again. i think it's better to have a quiet and peaceful life.

selling icecream

sometimes i feel that i'll rather be a hermit and hide in a cave in the hills where no one can find me. this world is just getting too complicated.

i've been misunderstood too many times, even by my own agents. a lot of people think i'm a coldhearted and conniving bitch and that i sleep around and i don't even want to mention the worse things i have heard. most of the time, i hold my head up high and ignore what they say. but sometimes, i just can't take it and i retreat into my own little world to heal. they don't know that i'm just a girl who cries when i'm watching E.T.

in this life, i've had a big love and a big crush. my big love ended when i was 24, because of lies and my refusal to forgive. we used to have all these dreams, which were never fulfilled. now he is married to someone else, something which i could have stopped, but never did, because of my pride. the big crush lasted more than a decade. i really do not know whether he still has an effect on me now cos i've not seen him for such a long time. but seriously, this is better kept as a memory. memories are the most beautiful and ignorance is bliss. i have no idea how he is like as a person. better to keep it that way. i just don't wanna know.

i think i wanna sell icecream when i grow up. at least i know that when people buy icecream from me, they are happy.

if i had my own place, i will...

1. fill up the freezer with my favourite icecream
2. have a wine fridge filled with nice wine
2. fridge full of beer
4. chill out on my balcony with wine/beer/icecream and a book every night after work

sleepless night

was tossing and turning in bed the whole of last night. couldn't get to sleep at all. this is bad. could this mean that i have to rely on alcohol/sleeping pills to fall asleep at night?

siao liao.