freaking myself out with all the what-ifs in my head

there's been a lot of changes around here lately and i feel that i can't breathe. it's not what i'm used to for sure. i'm torn between responsibility and the feeling of wanting to break free. i guess all these has been suppressed for too long and now, it's all breaking loose.

i've been told that sometimes, i'm too nice, to the extent to being a pushover. but sometimes i just wanna be a total bitch. i wanna rant and rave and just throw a tantrum and insist on MY WAY but i don't cos i can't. it's making me sick at myself.

today i woke up, convinced that everything good that's been happening is going to be taken from me.

shuttling between faith and doubt

i think i'm generally a happy soul. i mean, i'm always in a good mood most days. but there are times where i see/hear something that affects me and i read too much into it, driving myself crazy just thinking about it. this is especially true when i step into a relationship. this sense of doubt never fails to arise in me, maybe because of things that i have been through. i have been lied to in the face, been cheated on without me knowing etc. sometimes, i feel that i'm better off alone.

updates

i haven't updated in months. been busy with work and a new relationship. he came along very unexpectedly. there has been ups and downs these few months. i really don't know whether he's THE ONE yet. there's still so much that we don't know about each other. i guess only time will tell.

meanwhile, i've been trying to better myself as a person, making small changes in my life. maybe the changes might not be visible now, but hey, i'm like a ship on the ocean. a one degree change in direction will change where i end up.

it's complicated?

i personally hate this so-called relationship status on facebook. i mean.. what is so complicated? it's either you're single or attached. anything in between, i don't like it. unless of course, someone is going thru a divorce or something.

Love, it's either you do, truly and completely without any reservations or you don't.

just a thought.

fed-up

i have decided. i'm not gonna make myself unhappy anymore. i'm gonna do whatever i want and i will leave if i have to.

met up with this guy i used to date before, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. he found me on facebook. that night i received his message on facebook, i was very surprised. cos that morning, i was just thinking about him. but of course, this must not be mentioned. :)

he was in redang for a diving trip when he messaged me. we met up after he was back. sher did ask whether there were sparks or not. it was just a normal dinner and movie, however i enjoyed his company very much. if you were to ask whether we were to date each other again, i am not expecting it. although i have had good memories about him.

girls at my age just do not go around and dream of love. i have been killed by love before and i don't think i wanna do it again. i think it's better to have a quiet and peaceful life.

selling icecream

sometimes i feel that i'll rather be a hermit and hide in a cave in the hills where no one can find me. this world is just getting too complicated.

i've been misunderstood too many times, even by my own agents. a lot of people think i'm a coldhearted and conniving bitch and that i sleep around and i don't even want to mention the worse things i have heard. most of the time, i hold my head up high and ignore what they say. but sometimes, i just can't take it and i retreat into my own little world to heal. they don't know that i'm just a girl who cries when i'm watching E.T.

in this life, i've had a big love and a big crush. my big love ended when i was 24, because of lies and my refusal to forgive. we used to have all these dreams, which were never fulfilled. now he is married to someone else, something which i could have stopped, but never did, because of my pride. the big crush lasted more than a decade. i really do not know whether he still has an effect on me now cos i've not seen him for such a long time. but seriously, this is better kept as a memory. memories are the most beautiful and ignorance is bliss. i have no idea how he is like as a person. better to keep it that way. i just don't wanna know.

i think i wanna sell icecream when i grow up. at least i know that when people buy icecream from me, they are happy.

if i had my own place, i will...

1. fill up the freezer with my favourite icecream
2. have a wine fridge filled with nice wine
2. fridge full of beer
4. chill out on my balcony with wine/beer/icecream and a book every night after work

sleepless night

was tossing and turning in bed the whole of last night. couldn't get to sleep at all. this is bad. could this mean that i have to rely on alcohol/sleeping pills to fall asleep at night?

siao liao.

of restraint and perserverance

been drinking quite a lot the past week. the invitations just kept on coming, and me, being me, when faced with alcohol, i just cannot refuse. i know my self restraint is weak. ;P

the bus ride to office always makes me think about many things. today i realised that my perserverance has never been very strong compared to a lot of people. many a times, i never follow things through, stuff like getting my driving license. i went for the test twice and have failed on both occasions. maybe i don't like the feeling of failing. hmm.. maybe i should change.

the stint at the showflat is almost finally over. now back to business. :)

Love is...

Love is a slow kiss goodnight. It's anticipation.
Love is flirting outrageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything. It's respect.
Love is an imperfection in yourself not bothering you. It's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet. It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles. It's exploration.
Love is not having to say "Let's make love," because you know what the other person wants. It's understanding.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed. It's consideration.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles. It's humor.
Love is being told "Stop and I'll kill you". It's desire.
Love is reviewing the damage to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door to the bedroom. It's abandonment.
Love is seeing what your lover really looks like for the first time. It's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring. It's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace. It's ecstasy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew. It's renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rather be woken. It's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder. It's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover. Slowly. It's sensuousness.
Love is belatedly knowing why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago. It's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed. It's closeness.
Love is knowing you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person. It's trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent. It's faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore". It's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet and finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a pretzel. It's adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before. It's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover. It's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told. It's personal.

-Heather Powers

work work work

another grueling day at the showflat today. it was not without results so i'm glad. however, in the showflat today, i also experienced how selfish people can be and how they can lose their integrity in exchange for closing deals/money. people putting other people down needlessly for their own gain. imagine i have to face all of that again tomorrow. *faint*

i guess all there is to do is to have a good rest and toughen myself up for the challenges tomorrow.

good night.

beer is good after a hard day's work

it was a long day today, so tired but really worth it. my decision was right. :)

relaxing at home now with beer. i've always loved my drink, more than an average girl, sometimes more than people can understand and i really don't bother to hide it. and the fact that i don't hide, scares people. it goes the same with my mood. when i'm in a bad mood, it really shows on my face and it scares the hell out of them. it's strange cos i'm not the type to vent my frustrations out on people, i just wanna be left alone. i really don't think think that i'm harming anyone. sometimes i wonder, would it be better if i changed myself, just to not scare people away? but come to think of it, wouldn't it be a sad thing if you're not even allowed to show your emotions to the people close to you? isn't it weird to say that you're ok even when you're not?

human beings are weird.

well, enough of my rantings.

will turn in early tonight, to prepare for the tough battle tomorrow.

one night only

Just a song i came across

You want all my love and my devotion
You want my loving soul right on the line
I have no doubt that I could love you forever
The only trouble is, you really don't have the time
You've got one night only
That's all you have to spare
One night only, let's not pretend to care
One night only, we only have 'til dawn
In the morning this feeling will be gone
It has no chance going on
Something so right has got no chance to live
So let's forget about chances, this one night I will give

i wish you love

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My aching heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love